Being a stepmom—or a bonus mom as I like to call it—is such an incredible and challenging journey. Not only are you forming a relationship with your significant other and building a life together, but you are also stepping into his/her children’s lives, too. And depending on the children’s ages, relationship with their biological parent(s), interests, feelings, and or what else is going on in their lives, creating a strong bond with them can be hard (if not the hardest thing!). But it’s so worth it!
Becoming a stepmom is all about embracing those children as your own. And no matter how hard that can be, especially if you’re dealing with teenagers (!!), loving on your partner’s child(ren) is the most beautiful and rewarding part.
Now, let’s be real for a second: raising a teenager is no easy feat. From academic pressure and social media scrutiny to peer pressure and stress, their world can be extremely overwhelming. And, as a stepmom, one of your biggest priorities is becoming a stable person in their life to help support and nourish them as they grow into young adults.
It doesn’t matter whether your teenager is biologically yours; you want to be your teen’s safe space—now, and forever. Here are some ways to do that and strengthen your relationship.
1. Start By Listening (Really Listening)
One of the biggest challenges that teenagers face is actually talking to the adults in their lives. More often than not, they feel unheard and like their feelings are just “puberty” or a “phase” that will pass. As a stepmom, make the effort to really listen to them. Put down your phone and turn off any other distractions to show that you’re really present in the moment.
And, when they do open up, acknowledge their feelings. Instead of jumping to what they can do to resolve their issues, you can say things like, “That sounds like it’s been really tough,” or “I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I am here for you.” Doing this before giving immediate advice will show them that you’re on their side and care about their feelings—not just fixing the problem.
It might take some time to get your stepteen to open up to you, but you can encourage communication, too! Questions like, “Who did you hang out with at school today?” rather than an overall, “How was your day?” will show them that you’re interested in all parts of their life—not just checking in on their emotional state.
2. Embrace Your Unique Role In Their Lives
Any stepparent will tell you the same thing—your role within that child/teenager’s life is going to be much different than the role of their biological parents—and there’s nothing wrong with that! (In fact, it might even be more connected in some ways because your teen may see you as an outside person he/she can really trust).
However, teenagers with new stepparents can find it difficult to adjust, especially at first, because they feel that their “new” mom or dad is going to replace their biological one.
And as you know, that’s not the case at all.
Rather than worrying about “replacing” or “not replacing,” instead, try to focus on being someone that they can lean on and come to for support if they need it. This is why I love the term “bonus mom.” It’s not replacing anyone; it’s the ‘bonus’ parent they can rely on if they need help, support, or love.
One thing that’s important is that you should always avoid comparing your parenting style to any other parent involved in their lives. You should concentrate on being your teen’s safe space and building a relationship with them. Over time they will trust and see you for your unique role.
3. Create A Judgement-Free Space
If there’s one thing that all teenagers have in common, it’s their reluctance to share personal thoughts, feelings, or even experiences in fear of being judged by their parents. It’s important for you to let them know that they can come to you—with quite literally anything—without any judgement whatsoever. Whether it’s about friendships, breaking a rule, or even something more serious like substance abuse, they need to know that they can come to you and you’ll help them work through their issues.
Many parents mistake a judgement-free space as an excuse for bad behavior, but it’s actually quite the opposite. Being your teen’s safe space allows them to come and speak to you with the knowledge that you’ll help them get through this tough time and that you’ll focus on helping them prevent it from happening in the future.
And, while a punishment may happen if rules were broken, they’re more likely to open up to you if you focus on resolving their situation (and not reacting by yelling or shouting).
4. Put Boundaries In Place
FYI: Just because you’re striving to be your teen’s safe space doesn’t mean you don’t/won’t have boundaries! Boundaries are important in any relationship, so it’s important to get them into place sooner rather than later. As you know, teenagers love having a bit of independence—and it’s good for them too! Independence allows them to learn real life lessons in the real world, which can help prepare them for adulthood. However, this freedom needs to come with boundaries to help keep them safe.
Take the time to sit together with your partner and stepchild to talk about boundaries and what you expect from them—and tell them why, too! For example, explain why putting a curfew in place isn’t just about having a rule there, it’s to keep them safe and make sure they get enough rest each night.
It’s very much a back-and-forth; once you see that they will follow the rules you’ve set, you’re more likely to give them more responsibility and independence, and vice versa. It might take some time and trial and error, but it’s something that will benefit the whole family.
5. Be Ready For Sensitive Topics
Sometimes situations involving teenagers can be tough, and it’s important that in striving to create a safe space for your teenager, you’re also ensuring that you’re doing the right thing (emotionally, physically, legally, etc.)
In some extreme cases, your teen and/or friends may be dealing with larger issues: physical or sexual abuse, substance use/abuse, addiction, or even something more serious like being in a detention center and/or incarcerated. For any of these, you might need to help them to find help, whether that is in the form of addiction recovery services, counseling, therapy, etc.
If you/your teen suspects or knows an issue or situation like this is happening—whether in their lives or lives of their friend(s)—it’s important to act quickly and compassionately.
In the case of sexual abuse (for your teen or his/her friend), your first step should be to speak to a sexual abuse attorney for detained youth to start legal proceedings and get the help and support they need to start recovery. You also need to be an emotional rock to let them know it’s perfectly okay to ask for help if they need it.
This is just one example that no parent—bio or bonus—wants their child to experience. However, by being ready, you can handle the situation effectively and support them in the best way possible.
6. Help Them With Peer Pressure
Every teenager will go through some sort of peer pressure growing up. Whether it’s something smaller, like disobeying curfew or something more serious, like trying drugs, it’s important to help your stepteen learn how to handle peer pressure.
Taking the time to sit with them and come up with scenarios will help them practice for if/when these moments happen. For example, if they’re offered alcohol when they’re underage, they can practice responding with “Nah I’m good, thanks!” or “I’m not drinking tonight,” etc. Sometimes having the response ready in their head will help them have the courage to say no.
It’s also important to encourage them to think about their friend circle. Remind them that people who are truly their friends won’t force them into doing anything they don’t want to, even when they say no. This will help them reflect on who they are choosing to be friends with.
7. Encourage Healthy Outlets For Frustration
Being a teenager comes with puberty, hormones, and emotions. Whether it’s a zit that’s popped up before a big party or disappointment in their grades at school, it’s important that they learn how to let those feelings out in a healthy way. Encourage them to explore different ways to let out emotions like sports, writing in a journal, or even going for a walk.
You should also play an active part in taking interest in any extracurricular activities they do. This might mean going to a match or seeing them in concert if they’re learning to play an instrument. These kinds of activities help build a sense of accomplishment in their lives, which in turn can help build self confidence too. And, when they see that you’re taking an interest too, it will help them share those experiences with you.
8. Become A Trusted Adult In Their Lives
Some teenagers find it hard to talk to their biological parents about issues going on in their lives, for many reasons. If this is the case in your family, you have been gifted such a special, wonderful role! It’s important for every child to have a trusted adult they can turn to if they’re in trouble or need some advice. This might be a teacher they trust or the coach of their basketball team. As a bonus mom, you have the perfect opportunity to be a big part of their lives and help guide them to make the right decisions.
Being a trusted adult in their lives is simply being your teen’s safe space and confidant. It’s important to listen and take in what they’re saying without judgment, while also providing them with boundaries, advice, and unconditional love.
And PS: Remember that being a bonus mom is no easy feat, but it’s so worth it! (And you’re doing great).